When someone disagrees with or challenges me, my initial reaction is to protect myself. I know this isn’t a rational thought but it comes from a part of my psyche that wants to be liked and accepted.
I have to work hard in those first few moments to remember that I could be missing out on a golden opportunity to either learn something new or hone my understanding of a particular skill or belief.
When I was younger, I didn’t want to be seen or heard so I would often play small. As an adult, I can still feel this playing out in the way I want to hide away from confrontation or fear being wronged when someone disagrees with me. When I’m not in my power I can still feel myself wanting to shy away from standing behind something I believe in when someone challenges me.
There are two unfortunate outcomes when this situation arises:
I can be angry with this person for making me feel this way. Or;
I can be angry with myself.
Neither one breeds a particularly good outcome. So, is there an alternative?
Desmund Tutu once said, “Don't raise your voice, improve your argument." And I like that because it speaks into what I’m trying to express here.
If someone disagrees with me, for example, instead of raising my voice to protect myself I can listen and learn. And when someone challenges me I can improve my argument to better explain my point of view.
Both lean into a healthier way of interacting with one another without either party being shut down, dismissed, or disregarded. I believe this approach can and will create more connection and compassion between us and less separation. And both can bridge the gap between right and wrong.
“I win or I learn, but I never lose.” - Maria Forleo
Closing Thoughts
To close, I’d like to leave you with something that is very alive in me almost every day.
There’s an old Cherokee saying that teaches us there are two wolves that live inside our hearts and what we feed them every day (either thoughts of love or fear) will inevitably win in the end.
Thich Nhat Hanh brings in a different metaphor and it’s equally beautiful.
“Your mind is like a piece of land planted with many different kinds of seeds: seeds of joy, peace, mindfulness, understanding, and love; seeds of craving, anger, fear, hate, and forgetfulness. These wholesome and unwholesome seeds are always there, sleeping in the soil of your mind. The quality of your life depends on the seeds you water. If you plant tomato seeds in your gardens, tomatoes will grow. Just so, if you water a seed of peace in your mind, peace will grow. When the seeds of happiness in you are watered, you will become happy. When the seed of anger in you is watered, you will become angry. The seeds that are watered frequently are those that will grow strong.” - Thich Nhat Hanh
What I love most about this is that there is a choice to be made and we are the ones who make it. So, I know what I’m gonna choose. Do you?